What you couldn't say or do affects what you say and do now.

Families and workgroups, friends and all other parts of society have what is called UNSPOKEN RULES

It comes in a variety of ways: From having a specific seat in your family table to not behave according to your gender.

this refers to the rules in your family system that couldn't be spoken and or written at any point

We come from different families, which means we all have a different background.

That is why we are most likely to differ from our couple, our roommates, classmates or even co-workers.

We do not tend to check or be aware of how those unspoken rules affect us even now. We typically assume that how we were raised was the way it had to be.

The patterns that I am facing are not the same patterns you are probably facing.

I am a newlywed and I have experienced it with my husband:

When I was younger, I usually saw my step-father talking with his phone via Skype with his long-distance family while he was doing the dishes, doing the laundry, etc... The unspoken rule was you should help with your duties no matter what.

When I got married and we moved to the States I expected my husband to be the same.

I was used to the fact that my step-father was doing the right thing. We discussed why my husband was sitting while there was a pile of clean clothes waiting to be folded.

I realized: I was acting like that because I expected my husband to do the same as my father, consequently I gave him feedback by being "serious" and having a face of disapproval.

The same pattern as to how I saw my mom gave my dad feedback.

"you should be able to buy, do, or make it for yourself"

You should be independent rule

Another unspoken rule that my new family has faced is the "Don't ask for anything" rule.

My husband comes from a family where the gold no spoken rule was to not ask anyone for anything. It seems good in the way that my mother-in-law was trying to teach them that they should be self-sufficient. But I remembered when I discovered it from my at that time boyfriend, when I told him that my parents were inviting him over to Costa Rica. As two students without money, my parents told him that my and his Christmas present was going to be one-way tickets to Costa Rica. He thought about it and quickly he said: "No"

I was confused, my family unspoken rule was to say thank you even though you did not like the gift.

After talking about it, he explained: I would go if I could pay it back to your parents, but at this time I can't afford it. I explain that it was a gift from them to us and that his behavior was a consequence of an unspoken rule of not accepting things when the thing was something they could have done.

It is really impressive that those unspoken rules can interfere in the lives of others if you are not careful enough and if you not introspect yourself in order to understand better where those actions and decisions come from.

Don't show your emotions rule

This rule is frequently related to not showing "bad" emotions (sadness, anger, jealousy...)

I have several friends with this type of rule.

Life is hard sometimes. I cannot imagine how people can feel if they can't show how they really feel.

I was raised in an emotionally open-home. Where everyone showed how they felt. If I was angry, I could say it. If I was sad, I could be.

In the other hand, my husband is the kind of person that sadness is not in his emotional profile.

It is hard to see that man crying. At the beginning I did not understand it. But we have talked about it and he has broke the pattern of that unspoken rule that governed his mind.

What to do in order to overcome them?

Elizabeth Jackson explained it better in her blog named: Unspoken Family Rules: How They Shape Your Decisions Today

1. What were topics that were off-limits for discussion in your family?

2. What emotions were unacceptable in your family?

3. Did you learn to shut off any negative emotions?  Which ones?  Why?

4. Where do you tend to place blame when something goes wrong?  Yourself?  Others?

5. What gender roles did you learn from your family?

6. When do you find yourself putting on a mask to pretend everything is okay on the outside?

7. Is it okay for you to make mistakes?  Where does your value come from?

You should be aware of the consequences the unspoken rules can have when combining different backgrounds into a family. Introspect and ask yourself: Am I following a pattern that I consider is harming my relationship with others even who I love?

There is no perfect family, but there are people who strive for its improvement.

Recognition is not a bad thing if you use it to find a better way to discipline and/or react.